Setting Wise Limits 

On Giving-In and Giving Rewards To Your Child

By Bob Lancer

We need to understand first that the child's experiences in the first six years of life are the most deeply formative.  The influences the child receives and the lessons that we impart now form the foundation of the child's personality and behavioral development.  That being said, our responsibility as parents includes preparing our children to handle the realities of life.  In life we do not always get exactly what we want when we want it. Giving your child the opportunity to experience this reality now prepares him to handle it later.  

Another factor to consider here is how the toddler learns and develops: primarily through modeling.  In other words, nature programs children to do as they see others doing around them.  This takes place on both obvious and subtle levels.  When a parent exercises good judgment in withholding something from the child that the child wants, the child develops good judgment through the parent's demonstration. Furthermore, the parent's demonstration of the ability to say "no" at the right time, for the right reason, supports the development in the child, again, by example, of the ability to set appropriate boundaries and refuse to comply with another's excessive or unhealthy demands.

When it comes to rewarding the child for good behavior, you run the risk of confusing the toddler's developing sense of values and character.  Children naturally want to do a good job, perform well, demonstrate mastery and feel in control.  These intrinsic motivations are sufficient for guiding the child to behave as well as she possibly can, as long as she has a clear idea of the rules or expectations and those do not exceed her actual ability.  When you introduce a reward system as a motivator, the child may then lose touch with the intrinsic urges that lead to responsible action that results in the sense of satisfaction of a job well done. The child may then grow increasingly dependent upon external motivators, and require more and more external stimulation and enticement to behave responsibly.  

Rather than a rewards system, introduce a consequence system that involves the loss of a privilege resulting from inappropriate behavior.  If the toddler wants to play with you, she cannot bite you.  If she tries, you create some space between you and clearly explain that you will not play with her if she continues trying to bite you.  Be careful to avoid involving anger or stress in this process, because your aggressive reaction would then instill in the child more aggressiveness, and that sets the stage for power-struggles.

One more point warrants mentioning here.  It is sometimes tempting to use toys or sweets in the place of deeply attentive awareness focused on the child.  The child who demands sweets and toys may actually be announcing in his way that he needs a more conscious, loving bond to be established between parent and child.  So, even when you need to say no to avoid over-indulging the child, do so in an aware, loving way so that you still manage to nurture the loving bond between you, though you do not nurture the sweet-tooth into cavities.