IN-CHARGE PARENTING
By Bob Lancer

According to the traditional, authoritarian approach to child rearing, being in charge means absolute parent control and total child obedience. While this approach dates back hundreds of years, many if not most adults still believe in the concept. Not long ago I asked the father of a young child for his definition of "successful parenting." He answered, "That my child obeys me without any resistance one-hundred percent of the time."

On the surface, this sounds like what every parent wants. However, expecting it to happen can do more harm than good.

We feel out of control when our expectations clash with reality. This fact plays a significant role in parenting. You can feel in charge in your relationship with your child only to the extent that your expectations of your child’s behavior consistently match your child’s level of performance. You set yourself up to feel frustrated and out of control by counting on your child to behave too far above the level of his performance.

The power of expectation can work for or against you in your relationship with your child. Expecting great things from your child can help him perform at a higher level. For this to happen, however, you must make that expectation unconditional and provide him with the other kinds of support he needs to improve in the direction of your expectations.

For instance, Wendy expected her 3 year old daughter, Marianne to make her own bed each morning, as well as to leave her room looking neat, washing and dressing herself and even preparing her own breakfast of cereal, toast and milk. She communicated this expectation to her child and told her encouragingly that she could do it. Then she watched. When her daughter exhibited some difficulty, Wendy continued watching until she saw her child’s frustration was about to rise too high. Not wanting her child to feel like a failure or to dislike her responsibility on account of being too difficult, Wendy stepped in and offered just enough assistance to help Marianne over the hump. Within three days her daughter happily fulfilled her expectations.

Kelly, on the other hand, thought her 3 year old needed help in all those tasks. In fact, she not only picked out her child’s clothes and made her child’s bed, she dressed her child and sat over her at the breakfast table prompting her to eat. Both children had the same level of capability, but the heightened expectations projected upon Marianne helped her to demonstrate more responsibility and more ability.

Ron expect his son, Lane, to take school seriously and achieve good grades. When this did not happen, he felt let down, disappointed and even betrayed by his child. He expressed this with continual criticism and complaining. He worried that his son was going to be a bum, and told him so. Worry represents a form of negative expectation. Instead of responding to his son’s level of performance as Wendy did, he demonstrated conditional expectation and his son’s behavior worsened.

Jeff expected his 6 year old son, Joey to do fine. His wife complained that Joey spoke disrespectfully to her, that he talked back and refused to listen. Joey routinely came home with a poor behavior report from school. The parents of a neighbor’s boy would not allow their son to play with Joey because of the way Joey treated him. Jeff handled each problem as it came the same way. He either yelled or spanked his son. But his expectations never changed. He expected his son to do fine, believing that he was providing his son all that was necessary for that to happen. Not only did his son’s behavior worsen, but his marriage started coming apart at the seems.

Positive expectations can function like blinders. We need to combine our positive expectations with alert awareness, responsible action and supportive involvement. If you expect too little of your child, you get less from him than he is capable of giving. Expect too much and both you and your child will feel like failures when it doesn’t happen.

Do you expect your child to demonstrate behavior beyond the ability of any normal child of that age? Do you count on your child to behave far better than he has in past similar situations? Do you look at your child too critically or with too much insecurity, which can cause you to overlook her higher potential and over-emphasize her weak points?

These represent crucial questions to ask yourself because feeling in charge, bringing out your child’s best and creating all the peace and harmony you want with your child depends heavily upon the way you handle your power of expectation.

Pamela felt frustrated when her 2 year old ignored her directions. She didn’t realize that 2 year olds do not have the same level of control over their attention that adults have. When a toddler focuses on something else, watch her for a few seconds. Within about 10 seconds, she will look up at you. That is the time to tell her what you have to say. Don’t expect your child to behave differently without changing the way you relate with him.

George felt frustrated and out of control because his 12 year old wanted to play and play instead of doing his homework. He never thought of the possibility that maybe his son needed more emotional nurturing from his dad to do the right thing.

When you use anger and criticism to direct your child, your tactic will prove unsatisfying in two ways. First, you cannot enjoy criticizing your child. You probably resent your child for bringing out your criticism.

Secondly, a critical negative attitude projected upon your child will never bring out his better performance. Both you and your child will feel unhappy.

We feel out of control when the tactic we use fails to work. Nevertheless, we usually respond by continuing to rely on the same tactic instead of trying a different approach. As a result, we feel more and more out of control.

Regard every tactic or approach to parenting that you use as an experiment. Then, carefully observe the results. Do you feel calmer, more confident and secure? Does your child seem happier? Are you seeing improvements in his behavior? Give your approach some time to work. If you dislike the results, try something else. An infinite number of options exist.