HANDLING KIDS NEGOTIATING

By BOB LANCER

Question: "Why do kids around 5-6 years old act like "little lawyers," always pleading their case and managing to find loopholes in everything in order to get their way, and how can parents handle/diffuse the situation?"

Lancer's Answer:

At around 5 years old the child's mind goes through a metamorphosis of sorts, that plays a role here. Previously, the child's mind functioned primarily through absorption of the influences in her surroundings.  During this phase she automatically replicates the behavior and even the psychological patterns demonstrated around her.  

Now, however, her abstract mind emerges, giving her the ability to use and respond to reasoning to a far more significant degree.  With this emergence comes the delight of using this new faculty that she awakens to.  This is why the child starts negotiating and coming up with alternative strategies for you to give in to her requests.  

One important way to diffuse the situation is first to respect and honor this emerging ability, because it needs to develop for the child to make effective decisions and for creative problem solving throughout life.  So don't react with a show of much displeasure or impatience, and don't take it personally. 

Calmly provide your child with one clear reason why you are not giving into her demand (it needs to be valid and connected to the child's true needs), and then avoid repeating yourself or arguing about it.  For instance, if your child resists practicing reading aloud and demands that you read to her, you might explain, "I want you to practice your reading so that you will do well in school, be placed in better classes, have more privileges."

Patiently hear the child's arguments, and reflect those arguments back, without necessarily wavering (unless the child's reason really does trump yours).  For instance, after she repeats, "But I don't feel like reading right now. I want you to read." You might say, "I understand that you really don't want to read right now."  When she then follows that up with, "So can I not read now?" instead of repeating your decision, simply reflect the meaning behind that question, "Okay, I get it, you are saying that you really don't want to read.  How many times are you going to repeat yourself?"  

You can repeat, expand upon or clarify the reason behind your decision once or twice, but that's it.  After that, just reflect back her argument, do not repeat yourself, and stand firm (without anger or stress – actually, the more loving you are in the process, the more effective, because that prevents the child from becoming more staunchly adversarial).

Quite soon, the child will tire of her demand. At the same time, you will have demonstrated that you truly do understand what she wants, which helps the child to feel relieved, while helping her to understand why your decision is still necessary.