HOW TO ARGUE
WITHOUT RUINING YOUR MARRIAGE BY BOB LANCER This may not be the answer you are looking for, but there is no way to argue without ruining your marriage... to some degree. Once you begin relating with your mate as your adversary instead of as your ally, you undermine the trust, causing distancing, defensiveness, and either passive-aggressive or aggressive retaliation. Combat and communion don't mix. Even if you are right, there is a price to pay for trying to force the other to see things your way. However, unless the couple is composed of two extremely passive people, arguing is going to happen. An argument takes place when we become so concentrated on our own agenda that we stop paying adequate attention to the other person's feelings. All of us lose our balance in this way. The best you can hope for is that you learn from the argument, so as to diminish the arguing and the damage it causes. Here is the simple method I teach couples. Practice being more aware of yourself, your spouse, and the relationship between you while you engage in the argument. This simple, deliberate effort helps one to ease up just a bit and demonstrate a bit more compassion and respect. Be prepared to resist this exercise because it involves facing your pain. But the discomfort is worth it as you see quite clearly how you are relating destructively, and how to release yourself from that unbalanced pattern to some degree. | 
